Observing Communication

Observation is a powerful tool.  When we stop and watch what is going on around us, we learn so much more than if we talked our way through it.  I work with infants, who are pre-verbal, so this is a skill I use every day. The following account is of a little girl (11 months old) and her mother in my classroom.

It was the end of the day, and the little girl (let’s call her Susie) and her caregiver went to another room.  Susie’s main classroom had been shut down for the evening, so she and the teacher went to another room so she could play and be with other children.  The teacher left a note for the mother telling her where Susie was and pointed in the direction of the classroom.  Apparently, the mother was in a panic because she could not find her daughter.  When she came into the classroom where Susie was, she ran in, talking very fast, asking “where’s Susie?!? Where’s Susie?!?” When she spotted her and RAN at her, Susie burst into tears.  The teacher politely told her that she could relax because Susie was safe and playing happily with her.  The mother then questioned why Susie was crying.  The teacher calmly explained that her crying was because she was startled and scared because of the way her mother had entered the room and ran at her.  They talked a moment longer and the mother came to her senses.  She was glad that Susie was safe and that the teacher had taken her with her, instead of to the evening classroom.

Let me start off by saying that this particular mother seems to have anxiety issues.  She run at her baby when she starts crying and “sooths” her by bouncing her very rapidly up and down up against her chest.  (She also repeatedly calls it “daycare,” which is a whole other story…)  She always seems hurried and uptight.  When Susie first started with us, we noticed some anxious tendencies.  She would get tense, clenching her fists, frequently.  Her eyes would widen, and her breathing would become quick.  For an infant of 7-8 months old, this concerned us.  Then, we found a release…the drum!  We have a large gathering drum in our classroom that Susie loves to bang on.  It is about 8 inches off the ground and nearly 2 feet across.  If she ever felt anxious, we would place her near the drum to “bang it out.” This allowed her to release tension.  We introduced things like wooden spoons and metal pots for her to bang on.  She now carries the spoons with her everywhere, drumming on anything and everything in the classroom.  She is happy, confident, and really funny!  She still has moments where she might tense up (new adult male in the classroom, unfamiliar environment, etc.), but these moments are very few and far between.

The communication between Susie and her mother above was not a positive interaction.  Susie was very happy until her mother came in.  She communicated a very strong negative feeling to Susie, causing her to cry.  This potentially contributes to a low sense of self-worth.  How can a child feel good about herself when her mother is panicked all the time, runs at her, and grabs her?  One thing she does right, is she talks to Susie very frequently, calling her by name and telling her what she is doing.  Unfortunately, the mother’s own anxiety is getting in the way of truly effective communication.  Her anxiety is speaking louder than her words.  This has been a big lesson to me in keeping my feelings in line.  If anxiety can be communicated that easily with an infant, can’t every other feeling?  I am constantly evaluating my mental state, making sure I am in the correct state of mind to be working with such sensitive beings.  It is said that humans are the most sensitive and intuitive when they are infants.  Because of this, we must be calm and confident so that the children around us can be the same.